Are age-gap relationships always messed up?

On growing up, exes, and - shit, I think my prefrontal cortex just developed.

Song of the week: All Too Well by Taylor Swift

This is my new series I started by asking you to send in your anonymous stories. Thank you so much for all of your submissions to my new form! You can send in your story here . Here’s this week’s story;

“I’m 21 and recently broken up with a 34 year old guy I met recently on Bumble. From the start, all my friends and family have had issues with the age gap, they say it’s a red flag from him. I do really like him, and we have more in common compared to guys my age but we would argue a lot whenever I went out with my friends but he’d say it was just because he was protective. I didn’t want to miss out on my last year at uni and I can’t stop thinking about all the judgement from everyone in my life and online”

I had left this story untouched in the submission form for a while since it had been sent in, uncertain of what I wanted to say. TikTok has a very black and white approach to age gap relationships - the consensus? They’re fucked up. Anything bigger than two years and the comments are condemning it, but in the real world, everyone’s naturally a little bit more lax on the whole thing.

Strangely last night, I had a whatsapp message through from an unsaved number - ‘Mendham’ was all it said. Then on Instagram, the same message in my message requests, except this time with an identity attached. I was getting ready to go to a themed house party with my best friend in South London when I saw it. My flat was sticky hot and the open windows offered no relief as I struggled with my silly mermaid costume half done up and blue glittery eyeshadow all over my lids. But as I stared at his tiny profile picture, it brought me back to somewhere else entirely.

A few years back, I was living in Nottingham, and I had matched with this guy on Hinge. I was twenty-two, lost, and like most women in their early twenties, convinced I was really mature for my age. He was in his thirties, recently divorced and a father. We had nothing in common except we were both going through some sort of identity crisis. I remember my friends at work would say, ‘what does a man that’s a decade older, have in common with someone that’s just graduated uni?” I’d roll my eyes at their inquisition, they didn’t get it. I was grown up and had been through a lot, and we got on really well.

We rarely addressed the age gap between us, except one time, as we sat in a pub near my flat. He asked me if I preferred it, him being older and knowing more. I remember rolling his question round my mouth before spitting out something non-committal; it was the first time I had thought about it instead of quickly defending it. Minutes of silence passed and so he asked me what boys my age were like instead.

“Mean.” I said.

He didn’t seem to listen, instead he spoke about how much nicer it must’ve been that he was a man, with a good job that made good money, his own house and a nice car. I wanted to tell him that I didn’t care about any of that, but I didn’t - I just sat in the role he gave me. It’s funny looking back now at this relationship, he had dated me to make himself feel better after a divorce, he wanted me to be impressed by all the things he had that would be mundane to any woman his own age.

Our own experiences can shape how we see the world, and so it would be easy to put a blanket statement over all age-gap relationships as something sinister and twisted. The truth is if I met someone that was in their mid-thirties who was perfect for me, I wouldn’t let it stop me, but maybe that’s the secret. You didn’t meet this person in a packed bar or a quiet cafe, you met because they downloaded a dating app and set their age range to 21.

“I wouldn’t normally date someone your age, but you’re mature.” He said, and I searched his face for a lick of sarcasm or self-awareness but there was nothing. He said it like we had fallen for each other in person, not an orchestrated back and forth of texting. Like there weren’t other twenty year olds sat in his matches.

Maturity is a compliment often given to young women. It’s something I’ve prided myself on - I have wasted so many years of my life acting older than I am. I definitely don’t have everything figured out, but if I could give myself one piece of advice for when I was younger - it would be to let myself be messy. Be the age you are and make mistakes. You only get to experience your twenties once, don’t spend them making yourself older for someone else.

Last night, I finished getting ready and went to the houseparty with my best friend in our costumes. Not wanting to waste money on ubers, we walked the whole way laughing about stupid stuff and I forgot that he had ever text.

I checked my phone when I arrived to see a message from him again;

“Don’t ignore me” He had wrote, and then I got to experience the best part of being 25 instead of 22; I got to laugh about it to my friends and delete his number again. It was funny, this now stranger still trying to flex his power over me, not knowing I am an entirely different person to the one he knew. A few years back when I was younger, nicer and more palatable, I would’ve felt compelled to reply because he had asked me to. I would’ve broken my own boundaries again, I would’ve text back to say I was sorry.

Things had ended between us after we finally slept together. I had been in a long term relationship before and wanted to wait because it meant something to me, he’d of course been a gentleman about the whole thing, until he no longer had to pretend to be. The answer is pretty simple, people can be mean at any age so I can’t say things won’t work out just because of the age gap but I usually find we have doubts for a reason. One good thing is as you get older it’ll be easier to work out which ones are mean regardless of their age. The only thing these older men are usually right about when it comes to relationships is that age isn’t always a reflection of maturity.

The only thing that matters is that you’re in the same place as your partner and want the same things, and if you don’t it’s okay to love them but know you want differently for yourself.

You grow so much during your twenties, starting over and over on blank pieces of paper as many times you need to. It’s harder to go back though and make up for lost time, so to answer your question, I’d say go out and enjoy your last year of university because memories last a lot longer than anything else.

In the time that had passed since we had last spoke, I have grown into someone else entirely. I had moved to a new city, made new friends, been to therapy, started a new career, travelled alone, started writing again, and with those same years he was still messaging girls a decade younger than him on the internet.

-Shit, I think my prefrontal cortex just developed.

As I look back on the moulding figs of lives I could’ve lived, I thank God I didn’t get everything I’ve ever wanted.”