So, You Hate Your Best friends Boyfriend

On best friends, falling in love, and - shit, I think my prefrontal cortex just developed

“Don’t laugh at me, but maybe we could be each other’s soulmates, and guys are just people to have fun with along the way?” - Charlotte York, Sex and the city.

So, you meet your best friend’s boyfriend, and you hate him. Maybe it creeps slowly up like a rash or within seconds you know he’s bad news. Most likely, you’ve been kept in the loop of every time he’s left them on delivered for too long, done something bad, or has the kind of political beliefs you can’t stomach. You want to tell her she’s too good for him but she won’t hear it - she’s in love.

I know everyone thinks it, but I really mean it - my friends are the nicest, kindest, most interesting, loveable people to exist and I just want them to be happy. I think sometimes I can be selfish because I say that, but what I really mean is I want them to be happy with me always. So, last year, I tried to practice letting go and loving them from afar because we don’t really know what’s best for other people.

One of my closest friends and I had stopped talking as much, not on purpose, just one of those things where we were both busy with separate stories. Our lives drifting out of touch with each other as we both got consumed by our new worlds; she had a new relationship that turned serious quickly. It was strange we used to spend every moment together, now we got a few calls and scattered texts when he was at work. She said she was happy so I held my tongue as I watched her own life mold into his. I accepted the distance between us as natural growing pains. This is what was always going to happen right? New jobs, new relationships, new friends between us - we couldn’t have it like uni forever.

Then she calls one day and you realise she’s not happy at all, and things aren’t as happy as they seem on an Instagram story. Their relationship is toxic, and you want her to leave so badly.

Watching your friend get consumed by a man is one of the worst things to watch. Like bindweed they’re overtaken by them until they are consumed entirely. Your friends hobbies, work, and friends dry up. Then suddenly they’re just somebody’s girlfriend. I think of the anglerfish who literally melt into each other and share one body, forever intertwined. He loses his eyes, organs, and everything that made him a fish until eventually, they even share one bloodstream. A parasite.

She came over to stay a few months ago and I wanted to shake her. He’s no good for you, you can do so much better, please don’t go back. I can be harsh, the words come out before I can stop them. Leave him I want to yell, this isn’t what love is. It comes out of my mouth before I can stop him;

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” She said sadly,

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore either! You have all of these people around you that love you and one day we’re not going to care anymore.” I said. The words thick and heavy so they stay in the air a little while. We sat staring at each other as the frustration settled I knew it wasn’t working. She shrunk from me again and I realise if I keep doing this, it’s me she won’t want to see anymore.

I realise as I pull and stretch her, trying to pry her back to me, I’m just as bad as he is. All consuming and selfish; she needs to want this for herself. I can’t do it for her.

This is where you can show them love can be kind and patient. So, I stop talking and I listen instead. I show her a calm life that she could come back to; whenever she is ready. We get coffee and we chat about everything but him, we smoke too much and laugh about men we’ve dated, we meet our friends and they tell her they’ve missed her.

I think it’s easy to forget how many times we have all sat in a room like this, and the shoe has been on the other foot. When I broke up with my first boyfriend, it was her who I rang. I lay in her lap on my sofa and cried - she didn’t say anything, she just held me. I remember now that she knows how to love more than anyone, she is the one who taught me. I remember an ex told me once how lucky we were to have each other. How he wished he had friendships like we did, I now know how right he was.

Please know as my misguided anger dissipates it turns to love, all I want is for you to be happy. Every time you go to bed and you don’t feel loved, know that I am here. As long as I am alive, you are loved and we are waiting for you to come home. Maybe in a world that is being cruel, I will be the one to show you love can feel like kindness.

So, I will wait by the phone for your call, whenever that might be, whenever you’re ready.

-Shit, I think my prefrontal cortex just developed.