Why isn't he following my script?!

On manifesting a man, dating, and - shit, I think my prefrontal cortex just developed.

Song of the week: Am I The Same Girl by Dusty Springfield

Every so often, I find myself noticing an attractive man at the pub; my usual type of tall, nicely dressed and looks like he’d be kind. I fill in his blanks as he comes over; maybe he has tattoos I can’t see under his jumper and maybe he’s everything I’ve been looking for. A quick conversation shared in a smoking area usually uncovers the truth that he’s not. Within 5 minutes he’s said something that confirms he’s not the person I’ve been dreaming and he’s like every other lost 20-something living in a city too big. As he keeps talking, I think to myself, ‘why couldn’t he just follow the script I had created?’

A week ago, my friend and I sat in the park by Temple station catching up, September might be here but it’s still warm enough to not wear a jacket. Like every conversation with my beautiful, successful, and single friends, our conversations flowed easily from job offers, solo trips, and then finally to the dire state of London dating. We complained about how you finally meet an attractive man in the wild and then he always ruins it by being himself and not the curated version we’re looking for.

“They just don’t know how to follow our script!” We laughed, and I start to realise that might be our problem.

All of the dating advice spanning from new-age TikTok coaches to Sex and the City tells us to have our standards high and demands impenetrable. When I came out of a breakup a few years ago, my sister told me about the best way to attract your dream partner. She called it a MOD list, aka Man of Dreams. Coined from her co-worker who kept a long list of non-negotiables in her notes app and then went on to meet the perfect man. They were married within six months and are still happily together. More than convinced with this case study, I decided to write my own.

Having lists of goals, manifestations, and moodboards is nothing new for me, I have had a plan for everything. In fact, as I look up from my desk above hangs a new version of ‘Em’s Big Life Plan’ filled with written promises to myself about being a best-selling author, my own column, and a move to New York. So, freshly heartbroken in ‘22, what was the issue with another type of manifestation? My own MOD list in my notes app.

The problem was I rarely used it for good, other than just being disappointed. I said I wanted someone sure and grounded, yet found myself gravitating towards those that didn’t know what they wanted. I’d meet lawyers and be upset they were too serious. I’d meet musicians and be disappointed they were free-spirited. I said I wanted someone ambitious and yet dated people that were too scared to take risks. I said a lot of things and yet it was my actions not theirs that didn’t match up. The problem being that I was so busy trying to mould existing people into who I wanted them to be instead of liking them for who they already were.

We’re lucky that our twenties are now made for us to make mistakes, especially in dating. Don’t be afraid to get it wrong. The longer you stay on the wrong train, the longer it takes to get back home. Instead of being disappointed by who they aren’t, like them, love them even, and then leave them to find what you’re looking for if they’re not right.

I deleted my notes app of my non-negotiables and in my new life plan with even bigger goals there’s no mention of a boyfriend. Not because it’s not what I want but because I trust my gut now enough to like the person sat opposite of me without a list to quiz them against. And maybe, one day, I’ll like the script they wrote more instead.

-Shit, I think my prefrontal cortex just developed.