I often think of the question "now what?" When people rush into marriage or a relationship... where are we rushing too? Sometimes, it's okay if good things take a good amount of time.
The narratives attached women in their 20s tell about deserving their partners or seeing their relationship as fate are part of the propaganda to get young women to settle down and become helpmates to men. Partnered women in their 20s - who are often settling (but will never admit it) - are some of the unwitting salespeople for this propaganda. This is how women become the police force for the patriarchy. The reality is that so many of those 35+ feminist divorce influencers were also marriage influencers of a sort in their 20s, trying to making themselves feel special for being chosen while giving specious advice to their peers who weren’t willing to make the trade offs to get married young.
Age and experiences are such gifts because you see how these relationships play out. They are never as dreamy as women in their 20s make it seem, even if the relationships survive mid-life. I didn’t find someone worthy of me in my 20s, figured out I was queer, and now I’m in a delightful polycule with all queer partners. I live the communal life of friends and chosen family that all my friends who dove right into the heterosexual nuclear family want desperately. I feel like the ultimate winner by circumventing the entire heteronormative system.
Sometimes you can’t “perfect” your way into the most desirable outcome in a fucked up system. Instead the actual way out is to find a totally different system.
loved to read this. some great thoughts and beautifully written lines. thank you.
I also always wonder about those“I said yes” photos on Instagram showing off an engagement ring - as if the woman finally made it in life. And another thought: recently, on mother’s day, I observed some couples and families in the park and seriously just thought, wow, why is everyone in such a bad mood. Like forced to hang out with the kids/family/partner. Often (even today) people stay in relationships because XYZ and completely miss the point of being happy.
You know, looking at it I always kind of feel bad for moms on Mother’s Day because so often it’s just a performative ritual about society expecting women to be happy to hang out with their kids or whatever they get… rather than women getting to ask for what they really want and receiving. I remember doing Mother’s Day projects in elementary school made with crayons and popsicle sticks and thinking, “Wow, my mom has to hang this thing on her fridge and pretend she’s happy with it when she’s overwhelmed and just wants to feel seen, I don’t think this popsicle stick thing is gonna do it.” Granted I was a kid with very limited communication skills so I didn’t know what to do and just tried my best on granted project. lol
As a man who’s seemingly spent too much of his life looking for the ‘one’ (I’ve been blessed with marriage, close relationships, children and grandchildren - love, hope and suffering in all sorts of measures) but am I still looking/hoping for the ‘one’ ? Part of me would say yes, but a bigger part of me now through age and more wisdom, ‘I was always the one I was looking for❣️’ the rest falls into place when you accept that. ❤️
Yep, you have that right. The truth is developing yourself only increases your chances of finding a right/good person. It doesn’t guarantee it. It’s a matter of chance that the right person runs into you and isn’t currently having their own developmental crucible. I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years now and he’s the love of my life. But we actually met each other something like 12 years ago. I was already madly in love with him and him with me, but we were both not OK. I had the gut instinct that even though I loved him, I had to stay away because we would ruin it if we tried to get together young and stupid or more specifically, half baked and full traumatized. The timing of when you find your love is not something you can control and especially as women with biological clock and society telling us that we expire at some age that’s pretty terrifying to accept.
I was telling my friend who went through a break up recently that we tend to put romantic experiences into two boxes, [not good enough] and [together forever]. The truth is there’s a ton of nuance in romance and something that was just a moment, just a kiss that never lead into anything more can be just as beautiful and romantic, even if it’s not as fulfilling and permanent as we’d like. The, “you deserve it” in the situation is simply, “you deserve to take what happiness you can get and enjoy what you have while you have it” because life doesn’t really guarantee us anything. No matter how great we are at: looking cuter , performing better, being a good person, or being strong. It’s just whether or not we’re in the right place at the right time and if there’s somebody else who’s compatible present. And that, is a statistical anomaly my friend.
“The point is to realise that healing doesn’t mean you’ll never be hurt again, it just means you’ll know when to leave when it’s not right” is a FIRE quote
I loved this and needed to read it. I’ve always struggled with putting too much value in being in a relationship, but it really does come down to happiness
I love thiss!! Being in my late twenties, living a single life I often catch myself thinking about the guy I’ll marry someday, even though I haven’t met him yet. Sometimes I feel a little left out seeing friends get married. But they keep reminding me that marriage comes with its own chaos, and I’ve got the freedom they secretly miss! <3 That I can always choose love when it’s right.
we often forget, sometimes the grass is greener on our side too!! :)
sometimes i feel so stuck.. there is always an urge to feel something changing, yet for most of the times, change is what makes us doubt the act of love between you as a whole. we often put too many pressure on ourselves with the expectations of what “real love” is supposed to look like, and sometimes the best way to get the weight of confusion off your shoulders is to abstract yourself from limitations that were mostly pressured on you by societal norms. focus on what your gut tells you and don’t torture yourself with thoughts of a bar that was put up by someone you have never met, be real. <3
I often think of the question "now what?" When people rush into marriage or a relationship... where are we rushing too? Sometimes, it's okay if good things take a good amount of time.
Amen 🙏🏾
Always love reading your posts, they’re beautifully intimate
His crime had become her punishment, good stuff, thank you
Ultimately, loving yourself and choosing you is always the right answer.
The narratives attached women in their 20s tell about deserving their partners or seeing their relationship as fate are part of the propaganda to get young women to settle down and become helpmates to men. Partnered women in their 20s - who are often settling (but will never admit it) - are some of the unwitting salespeople for this propaganda. This is how women become the police force for the patriarchy. The reality is that so many of those 35+ feminist divorce influencers were also marriage influencers of a sort in their 20s, trying to making themselves feel special for being chosen while giving specious advice to their peers who weren’t willing to make the trade offs to get married young.
Age and experiences are such gifts because you see how these relationships play out. They are never as dreamy as women in their 20s make it seem, even if the relationships survive mid-life. I didn’t find someone worthy of me in my 20s, figured out I was queer, and now I’m in a delightful polycule with all queer partners. I live the communal life of friends and chosen family that all my friends who dove right into the heterosexual nuclear family want desperately. I feel like the ultimate winner by circumventing the entire heteronormative system.
Sometimes you can’t “perfect” your way into the most desirable outcome in a fucked up system. Instead the actual way out is to find a totally different system.
Brilliant!! I loved the line “someone who loves you like it’s easy.” That really is the best feeling :)
loved to read this. some great thoughts and beautifully written lines. thank you.
I also always wonder about those“I said yes” photos on Instagram showing off an engagement ring - as if the woman finally made it in life. And another thought: recently, on mother’s day, I observed some couples and families in the park and seriously just thought, wow, why is everyone in such a bad mood. Like forced to hang out with the kids/family/partner. Often (even today) people stay in relationships because XYZ and completely miss the point of being happy.
You know, looking at it I always kind of feel bad for moms on Mother’s Day because so often it’s just a performative ritual about society expecting women to be happy to hang out with their kids or whatever they get… rather than women getting to ask for what they really want and receiving. I remember doing Mother’s Day projects in elementary school made with crayons and popsicle sticks and thinking, “Wow, my mom has to hang this thing on her fridge and pretend she’s happy with it when she’s overwhelmed and just wants to feel seen, I don’t think this popsicle stick thing is gonna do it.” Granted I was a kid with very limited communication skills so I didn’t know what to do and just tried my best on granted project. lol
This masterpiece. "also nice to think that one day, you’ll meet someone that loves you like it’s easy" 🤍
As a man who’s seemingly spent too much of his life looking for the ‘one’ (I’ve been blessed with marriage, close relationships, children and grandchildren - love, hope and suffering in all sorts of measures) but am I still looking/hoping for the ‘one’ ? Part of me would say yes, but a bigger part of me now through age and more wisdom, ‘I was always the one I was looking for❣️’ the rest falls into place when you accept that. ❤️
Yep, you have that right. The truth is developing yourself only increases your chances of finding a right/good person. It doesn’t guarantee it. It’s a matter of chance that the right person runs into you and isn’t currently having their own developmental crucible. I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years now and he’s the love of my life. But we actually met each other something like 12 years ago. I was already madly in love with him and him with me, but we were both not OK. I had the gut instinct that even though I loved him, I had to stay away because we would ruin it if we tried to get together young and stupid or more specifically, half baked and full traumatized. The timing of when you find your love is not something you can control and especially as women with biological clock and society telling us that we expire at some age that’s pretty terrifying to accept.
I was telling my friend who went through a break up recently that we tend to put romantic experiences into two boxes, [not good enough] and [together forever]. The truth is there’s a ton of nuance in romance and something that was just a moment, just a kiss that never lead into anything more can be just as beautiful and romantic, even if it’s not as fulfilling and permanent as we’d like. The, “you deserve it” in the situation is simply, “you deserve to take what happiness you can get and enjoy what you have while you have it” because life doesn’t really guarantee us anything. No matter how great we are at: looking cuter , performing better, being a good person, or being strong. It’s just whether or not we’re in the right place at the right time and if there’s somebody else who’s compatible present. And that, is a statistical anomaly my friend.
“The point is to realise that healing doesn’t mean you’ll never be hurt again, it just means you’ll know when to leave when it’s not right” is a FIRE quote
so glad im not the only person who's been bombarded and awfully reflective by the couples at broadway market
I loved this and needed to read it. I’ve always struggled with putting too much value in being in a relationship, but it really does come down to happiness
I love thiss!! Being in my late twenties, living a single life I often catch myself thinking about the guy I’ll marry someday, even though I haven’t met him yet. Sometimes I feel a little left out seeing friends get married. But they keep reminding me that marriage comes with its own chaos, and I’ve got the freedom they secretly miss! <3 That I can always choose love when it’s right.
we often forget, sometimes the grass is greener on our side too!! :)
I loved this ❤️🔥
sometimes i feel so stuck.. there is always an urge to feel something changing, yet for most of the times, change is what makes us doubt the act of love between you as a whole. we often put too many pressure on ourselves with the expectations of what “real love” is supposed to look like, and sometimes the best way to get the weight of confusion off your shoulders is to abstract yourself from limitations that were mostly pressured on you by societal norms. focus on what your gut tells you and don’t torture yourself with thoughts of a bar that was put up by someone you have never met, be real. <3